Dear Jenn
I miss you.
I really miss you.
It's hard for me when you're away because I feel so lost especially in the nights. I think and think of you, that smile of yours, that laugh of yours. I get this crazy urge to call you and I start to grin because my finger starts hovering over your speed dial number.
Then I realize that I can't. No matter what I do I can't even do that. I cam text you but its not the same. I can't hear your voice at night. That voice I love, how it is when you get sleepy, and if I were there you would snuggle closer to me and I would hold you tighter, as tight as I could without crushing the air out of you.
I love being so close to you and I am perfectly fine with just you and I and just sleeping the days away as long as I can hold you in my arms.
I'm thinking of you, and I hope you are able to get this message.
I love you Jennifer.
King Jorelle
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thinking and Speaking
I wonder what it would be like to think in another language. I myself was born into a Filipino environment and spoke fluent Tagalog for 4 years. I say four because that's when my family and I moved to Canada, and our quest to dominate the English language began.
But there I go thinking (in English no less), what it was like as a child to think in another language. I was young and I don't remember that very well, nor did I pay attention to how I thought and I only did to what I thought. If I learned a new language now would I be thinking in that language or are my ways too hardwired to even consider that possibility?
And there we go again with my fascination with ye old hominid relatives. Not specifically speaking neanderthals, but pre-historic humans let's say (not exactly humans since humans to us are homo sapiens), I wonder how they thought 100,000 years ago (a number I just pulled out)when they didn't even have a coherent language developed amongst them. Did they think in pictures? Scenarios/Videos? The book I read said that because we humans were able to think quickly and think ahead we were able to survive. Now that I think of it...you didn't need language to think out your next action. Problem solved! Now I wonder how mating went with them :| Big fancy fire dances...with popped collars? Probably.
But there I go thinking (in English no less), what it was like as a child to think in another language. I was young and I don't remember that very well, nor did I pay attention to how I thought and I only did to what I thought. If I learned a new language now would I be thinking in that language or are my ways too hardwired to even consider that possibility?
And there we go again with my fascination with ye old hominid relatives. Not specifically speaking neanderthals, but pre-historic humans let's say (not exactly humans since humans to us are homo sapiens), I wonder how they thought 100,000 years ago (a number I just pulled out)when they didn't even have a coherent language developed amongst them. Did they think in pictures? Scenarios/Videos? The book I read said that because we humans were able to think quickly and think ahead we were able to survive. Now that I think of it...you didn't need language to think out your next action. Problem solved! Now I wonder how mating went with them :| Big fancy fire dances...with popped collars? Probably.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
23rd hour steam.
I have recently recieved an apology from a high school mate of mine (it's only been two months and I'm already saying high school mates). The reason being I call him a high school mate and not a friend is that he has not been that great of a friend to me over the duration of my attendance at my high school. How I managed to stay 'friends' with him throughout all those years still baffles me from time to time. I would even go as far to say he has had some severe damage on my well being and how I view trust between people. If you don't really know, well, it's practically non-existent for most people. Trust for me is a huge issue and takes a lot of time and effort for others to gain from me.
The point being is that I wonder how he was able to act that way towards me when he considers me one of his closer friends and still actively damage my ego and my view upon others. How could I have possibly let him when I knew he did that to me. Why did I stay friends with him throughout all those years? The closest thing I could possibly think of is that I never really had friends throughout high school, or that's what I tell myself. I never really fit in with any crowd, or I was too busy trying to find my crowd that had a perfect balance of geek ingenuity and the natural outdoor lover. I haven't met a friend that I could completely confide in. A bro, so to say.
Two months away from high school, and about four months spent being an adult. I'm not sure what kind of maturity I've gained. I've begun to care less: I'm out of that high school horse race of popularity and such. Even though I have to go back another year I feel like that that part of my life is closed. For better I think would be fitting to this situation. I've begun to spend more time with other people, people from CalgarySkate. A lot of the guys there are over twenty and provide a different perspective on life and I think it's a nice change than hearing all the "What do you have left" or "How many units" conversations from my high school. I have to add that was the most annoying thing I have had to endure. I want friends, not robots. Let's spend a little time outside (or at school) not talking about our work for a little bit. I'm not bonding over some random math marks or a life about tests. Looking back now (yes, yes, I know; its only been two months) a lot of people I met in high school have been absolutely boring and I can't imagine why I was friends with them in the first place. I know I said I would keep in touch with a couple of them but I just don't see a reason to. Even glancing at some of these people on Facebook and their constant status updates (do these people have a life? or is it because they have a life they have more to post about?) that their personalities irk me. Do I seem like I'm talking older than I should be or am I just blowing hot air? I know it is actually childish to be talking about other people this way but it's just the way I feel. Not everyone gets along and I felt a lot of it was forced because every time I talked to someone new, or even hung out with someone it was a competition, an expectation that I should be the one talking or keeping the conversation going. I wonder what's to expect in September?
The point being is that I wonder how he was able to act that way towards me when he considers me one of his closer friends and still actively damage my ego and my view upon others. How could I have possibly let him when I knew he did that to me. Why did I stay friends with him throughout all those years? The closest thing I could possibly think of is that I never really had friends throughout high school, or that's what I tell myself. I never really fit in with any crowd, or I was too busy trying to find my crowd that had a perfect balance of geek ingenuity and the natural outdoor lover. I haven't met a friend that I could completely confide in. A bro, so to say.
Two months away from high school, and about four months spent being an adult. I'm not sure what kind of maturity I've gained. I've begun to care less: I'm out of that high school horse race of popularity and such. Even though I have to go back another year I feel like that that part of my life is closed. For better I think would be fitting to this situation. I've begun to spend more time with other people, people from CalgarySkate. A lot of the guys there are over twenty and provide a different perspective on life and I think it's a nice change than hearing all the "What do you have left" or "How many units" conversations from my high school. I have to add that was the most annoying thing I have had to endure. I want friends, not robots. Let's spend a little time outside (or at school) not talking about our work for a little bit. I'm not bonding over some random math marks or a life about tests. Looking back now (yes, yes, I know; its only been two months) a lot of people I met in high school have been absolutely boring and I can't imagine why I was friends with them in the first place. I know I said I would keep in touch with a couple of them but I just don't see a reason to. Even glancing at some of these people on Facebook and their constant status updates (do these people have a life? or is it because they have a life they have more to post about?) that their personalities irk me. Do I seem like I'm talking older than I should be or am I just blowing hot air? I know it is actually childish to be talking about other people this way but it's just the way I feel. Not everyone gets along and I felt a lot of it was forced because every time I talked to someone new, or even hung out with someone it was a competition, an expectation that I should be the one talking or keeping the conversation going. I wonder what's to expect in September?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I'll say things here because I know you're not reading.
Doesn't that sound wimpy? Aren't we all taught to confront our problems head on and avoid the long and some would say the more painful path?
I personally would have to say no. Not in today's society. We've become so docile, so far away from our homo sapien roots. Back then if one had a problem with someone it would be settled by a physical fight. All out Prehistoric Warfare without any killstreak rewards. No, we grew up from that. We became smart. We became conscious.
And then we learned to lie.
Not that that's the point of this post and so I won't get into that. The point is is that I feel excluded at times by the closest friends I have. One example is that we were all going to get popsicles at a friends house and there was five of us, and the other guys got the good popsicles, whilst Jenn and I got some really cheap crappy ones. Yes it was enough to bug me, and the pessimist in me actually go to blaming my friend for trying something on my girlfriend. He offered her his popsicle when I know there was enough of that kind for all of us twice over.
And there are examples of where I'll say one thing and they won't respond then they'll repeat exactly what I just said and leave me out of it. It's absolutely rude and I come to ponder why I even keep people like these as my friends. I think I am going to ignore them for a while for the time being. I'm finding myself more certain that I am most definitely an introvert even though many argue I am an extrovert.
That isn't me. I feel like a different person because I feel like I am going to get criticized if I speak my mind about who I truly am. I am a geek. I like science. I get fascinated over biology and genomes. One of my biggest fascinations is about neanderthals. I get jealous over Francis people because they're tough. At least they can handle life head on and be themselves no matter what they deal with (even though it may be in groups). But as a student at Bishop Carroll where one would think their personalities have that space to expand, I feel very enclosed. I feel like every action I do is watched by projections (Inception joke).
Don't get me wrong: I do like to be surrounded by people but I am horrible at dealing with situations and prefer to be a step away from them. I've gotten good at not dealing with matters at hand and can clear out my mind of all thought at any given moment. That's a step over from being able to passively block out/forget memories. Not the wisest choice but it's what I wanted years ago and now I'm good at it. Going back to me not dealing with matters at hand, well, being surrounded by people, I am a person who would rather be admired for what I do from afar rather than get straight praise. For example I can crack up a joke and people will laugh but I don't know what to do afterward. Their laughter contents me enough. I learn longboarding because I think it is a pretty amazing looking sport, and I would like people to see that I have accomplished something and admire me.
I personally would have to say no. Not in today's society. We've become so docile, so far away from our homo sapien roots. Back then if one had a problem with someone it would be settled by a physical fight. All out Prehistoric Warfare without any killstreak rewards. No, we grew up from that. We became smart. We became conscious.
And then we learned to lie.
Not that that's the point of this post and so I won't get into that. The point is is that I feel excluded at times by the closest friends I have. One example is that we were all going to get popsicles at a friends house and there was five of us, and the other guys got the good popsicles, whilst Jenn and I got some really cheap crappy ones. Yes it was enough to bug me, and the pessimist in me actually go to blaming my friend for trying something on my girlfriend. He offered her his popsicle when I know there was enough of that kind for all of us twice over.
And there are examples of where I'll say one thing and they won't respond then they'll repeat exactly what I just said and leave me out of it. It's absolutely rude and I come to ponder why I even keep people like these as my friends. I think I am going to ignore them for a while for the time being. I'm finding myself more certain that I am most definitely an introvert even though many argue I am an extrovert.
That isn't me. I feel like a different person because I feel like I am going to get criticized if I speak my mind about who I truly am. I am a geek. I like science. I get fascinated over biology and genomes. One of my biggest fascinations is about neanderthals. I get jealous over Francis people because they're tough. At least they can handle life head on and be themselves no matter what they deal with (even though it may be in groups). But as a student at Bishop Carroll where one would think their personalities have that space to expand, I feel very enclosed. I feel like every action I do is watched by projections (Inception joke).
Don't get me wrong: I do like to be surrounded by people but I am horrible at dealing with situations and prefer to be a step away from them. I've gotten good at not dealing with matters at hand and can clear out my mind of all thought at any given moment. That's a step over from being able to passively block out/forget memories. Not the wisest choice but it's what I wanted years ago and now I'm good at it. Going back to me not dealing with matters at hand, well, being surrounded by people, I am a person who would rather be admired for what I do from afar rather than get straight praise. For example I can crack up a joke and people will laugh but I don't know what to do afterward. Their laughter contents me enough. I learn longboarding because I think it is a pretty amazing looking sport, and I would like people to see that I have accomplished something and admire me.
An introduction
Hello there, whoever it may concern. You may or may not be aware that I already have a blog of my own, and ask why I have started this one. I do have my own reasons to starting this blog, and no it is not about my cat, or a cat I wish to have. In short, it is not a cat blog.
One of the reasons I have begun this new blog is because a couple people already read my other blog. I personally like blogging and it started out great but one of my character traits is that I care too much about what people think, or could possibly think. I want to be able to write in my own voice, and not a voice which in my people-pleasing character writes in. If that makes any sense.
Many people may not consider me as a person with deep thoughts, well, I personally don't consider myself a deep person, but I like to think I am. People may be able to argue quite outright about their opinions on a certain topic and defend it mercilessly while I on the other hand seem like I stand idly by. The truth is is that I am a listener and like to hear every aspect of a subject per say and make an educated opinion. I'm not a person who is able to verbally relay their mind with ease and I do have difficulty saying what I truly think or feel. In the end it becomes out to be something like "That was awesome," when I truly feel that the idea has moved me immensely and has sent me spiraling down into thought. Whenever I am deep in thought I apparently seem pissed at the world. However that is not the case; I am just out of the current zone and have retreated into my own world.
I had watched a movie today (Inception) which makes me realize, in my own opinion that the most powerful word in the Modern English language is the word Idea. How can one word be so powerful? I am a person with many ideas, and I have a tendency to share those ideas in its infancy with people, hoping to let that idea evolve and change so that it becomes a shared feeling, an improved idea.
Many of those times, and I emphasize many, those ideas have been shot down. Some by people who seem like they should not impact me greatly, and some by people who are extremely close to me. Not everyone agrees with an idea, but it hurts me all the same because that idea came from my mind. I want to be able to share an experience of emotion, of amazement of something so vague, unique in a sense, unorthodox can be so intriguing. I have turned to theatrical arts so I could have had a chance to express some of these ideas, and some have turned out exceptionally well, but I wish to have had more time to develop concepts and improve them time and time again.
I can tell you I have an incredible urge to share this post, well this blog as a whole to everyone, because that's me; I care about what people think. But this should be the one time that I do not cave into one of my temptations and be able to prove to myself that I am a person who is able to take control and complete a goal for once in my life. I always try and find the shortest possible route to a goal, skipping necessary lessons and hurting myself in the end. Like trying to go down a mountain (an analogy that came up in my head) and trying to get to the bottom you jump off a few cliffs here and there but you end up hurting yourself in the end.
If there's one thing I would like to hold onto is that the word Idea is the strongest, most powerful word in the world. That will generate my thought, my perception. I hope to share it all with you someday.
One of the reasons I have begun this new blog is because a couple people already read my other blog. I personally like blogging and it started out great but one of my character traits is that I care too much about what people think, or could possibly think. I want to be able to write in my own voice, and not a voice which in my people-pleasing character writes in. If that makes any sense.
Many people may not consider me as a person with deep thoughts, well, I personally don't consider myself a deep person, but I like to think I am. People may be able to argue quite outright about their opinions on a certain topic and defend it mercilessly while I on the other hand seem like I stand idly by. The truth is is that I am a listener and like to hear every aspect of a subject per say and make an educated opinion. I'm not a person who is able to verbally relay their mind with ease and I do have difficulty saying what I truly think or feel. In the end it becomes out to be something like "That was awesome," when I truly feel that the idea has moved me immensely and has sent me spiraling down into thought. Whenever I am deep in thought I apparently seem pissed at the world. However that is not the case; I am just out of the current zone and have retreated into my own world.
I had watched a movie today (Inception) which makes me realize, in my own opinion that the most powerful word in the Modern English language is the word Idea. How can one word be so powerful? I am a person with many ideas, and I have a tendency to share those ideas in its infancy with people, hoping to let that idea evolve and change so that it becomes a shared feeling, an improved idea.
Many of those times, and I emphasize many, those ideas have been shot down. Some by people who seem like they should not impact me greatly, and some by people who are extremely close to me. Not everyone agrees with an idea, but it hurts me all the same because that idea came from my mind. I want to be able to share an experience of emotion, of amazement of something so vague, unique in a sense, unorthodox can be so intriguing. I have turned to theatrical arts so I could have had a chance to express some of these ideas, and some have turned out exceptionally well, but I wish to have had more time to develop concepts and improve them time and time again.
I can tell you I have an incredible urge to share this post, well this blog as a whole to everyone, because that's me; I care about what people think. But this should be the one time that I do not cave into one of my temptations and be able to prove to myself that I am a person who is able to take control and complete a goal for once in my life. I always try and find the shortest possible route to a goal, skipping necessary lessons and hurting myself in the end. Like trying to go down a mountain (an analogy that came up in my head) and trying to get to the bottom you jump off a few cliffs here and there but you end up hurting yourself in the end.
If there's one thing I would like to hold onto is that the word Idea is the strongest, most powerful word in the world. That will generate my thought, my perception. I hope to share it all with you someday.
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